Fair warning – this post talks about my bewbs.

My acupuncturist has theorized that I’m very sensitive to pregnancy hormones. I can usually tell that I’ve gotten pregnant within a couple of days of implantation, and so far I’ve never been wrong.

I usually give a little song and dance when people ask how I can tell; I need to pee a lot, my nipples itch, everything smells strongly, but the clincher symptom? The one that makes me know without a doubt that I’m pregnant? Is my sudden ability to pass the pencil test with both boobs.

Did you guys do the pencil test in high school? You stick a pencil under each boob and see if it falls out. My right breast can always pass this test. Always. My left breast, though? You could stick a salami under there and it would be held tight. A pencil doesn’t stand a chance.

I have tubular, asymmetric breasts, and normally they are pretty small – 32A. All these recent pregnancies, however, have bumped them up a bit in size to a 34B. Not that I’ve been complaining about that too much – each time I get pregnant they plump right up and then take several months to go back to normal.

They were just about back to normal size this time around when I discovered that my left breast was suddenly right under my chin and the skin beneath it was suddenly feeling really exposed.

The weird thing is how this happens really fast – like overnight – when I get pregnant, but after a loss, they take forever to go back down. My 34B bra is a little snug still and I finally get to feel like a Sweater Girl.

Sometimes I like it – suddenly getting a lift out of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, but sometimes I get annoyed. Annoyed that my boobs didn’t get the message that the rest of me did – there’s no need to increase in volume any time soon, guys; go on back to droopy normal so I can get on to pretending that this never happened in the first place.

I’m sad, angry and very, very frustrated at this most recent loss, but there is a part of me that is also feeling sort of relieved. Relieved that this cycle resolved itself – even though it wasn’t the resolution were we hoping for.

After January’s miscarriage, we decided to wait until my cycle went back to normal before trying again. This lead to many days of wondering, “Will it be February? March? April?” Which lead to many days of wondering, “When will we try again? March? April? May?”

When we started trying, I found myself wondering, “How long will it take? Will it be in May? June? July? Before we get pregnant?”

When I felt like I might be pregnant and was having pregnancy symptoms, I found myself wondering, “When will it end? Next week? The week after? In nine months?”

And now all that wondering is over. We tried in May, got pregnant right away and lost it before I even had time to confirm it outside of my head.

As painful as this loss was – and it is, and in many ways it’s worse than the previous ones – I’m so relived to be done with all that wondering. I know the game plan going forward: Test in two weeks, blood work in eight weeks, doctor’s appointment in 10 weeks and possible try in 12 weeks.

While I’m sure I’ll be wondering what’s going on and what’s going to happen a whole wicked lot in the near future, for now, all I feel is relief that I finally know what’s ahead for a little while.

So yesterday after I wrote about over analyzing the burning sensation I had been having all day, I started to spot. The spotting turned into heavy bleeding and really horrible burning cramps by morning.

I went to see my OB and found that we were experiencing early miscarriage number six. This one so early that it showed up before my period was even due. Hooray. My numbers were high enough that my OB was even optimistic that things would still be OK, but I really don’t think so.

There is some speculation that the burning I felt (and have felt before in 4 out of the 6) may be due to an autoimmune condition.

So the plan going forward is wait two weeks and take another test to confirm that the pregnancy is indeed over. Six weeks after that, I get blood work done. Two weeks later, I have an appointment to discuss the results and come up with a game plan for going forward.

If my body works the way it has in the past, I predict we will be trying two weeks after that if we can get our “plan” in place fast enough. Three months. Three more months to wait.

Right now, that’s all I can think about; how much longer I have to wait to try again. I’m sure I’ll start thinking about and feeling everything else tomorrow. Right now, all I feel is numb.

I am honestly OK with it taking a few more months to get pregnant, and I’m even sort of resigned to another miscarriage, if that’s what’s going to take place. But, obviously, I would really, really prefer that things happen quickly and correctly.

So, of course, I’ve found myself over analyzing every little thing over the last week.

What was that cramp? Could that be implantation? What if those cramps were implantation and these cramps mean that something is wrong? What if all these other symptoms that normally mean pregnancy for me are really being caused by the acupuncture? Are the symptoms less today than they were yesterday?

I got myself into a complete state this morning during my workout. I became convinced, convinced, that I must have accidentally eaten some gluten yesterday (my entire pelvis gets flooded with white blood cells when I eat gluten – it’s very painful and likely the cause of at least one miscarriage) and that the cramping I was having was about to turn into the sharp burning pain I usually experience.

So there I am on the elliptical machine, running away and battling myself about whether or not I should stop my workout and rush home to stare at the label on some balsamic vinegar I had last night on my salad.

This is the gluten burn – I know it is!

Will knowing that make it better though? Maybe I should just wait to see if this really turns into the gluten burn.

I need to know!

Knowing won’t change anything; I can’t do anything about it even if I did eat gluten last night.

This went on for about an hour before the cramping became closer to “normal” cramps.

It is really, really exhausting living inside my head just now.

Tomorrow I’m taking an early test to see what it says, then, more acupuncture. Fingers crossed!

I’ve been asked a couple of times both why I haven’t been posting much, and why I took the blog in a new direction – more crafts, less personal. It’s really the same reason for both.

Last year on Mother’s Day we found out we were expecting what we thought would be our second child. We hadn’t quite started trying yet, and I didn’t have health insurance at the time. When the pregnancy ended, we were equal parts sad and relieved.

We waited a few months until I had health insurance and began trying. And we had another miscarriage. And another. And another. And finally, another.

Five miscarriages in one year. There are so many reasons why these may have happened, and there are no reasons at all. We were given really bad advice by the OB’s office, and we had some really bad luck as well.

The anxiety that surrounded all of these losses took me away from this blog, from reading other blogs, from participating in many things I normally enjoy. I’ve only just begun finding my way back again.

We are trying again. I sit just a couple of days away from testing to see if we are pregnant again. I’m doing acupuncture, taking supplements and basically trying not to freak right the fuck out.

So. I tried not blogging through the anxiety. Now, I’m going to try blogging through it. I’ve also been crafting through it, so expect several more craft posts as well. Who knows; maybe I’ll get something good to blog about soon, too.

It is so hot in New Hampshire right now. Intolerable. I spent the night kicking covers and a fat tabby off of me. I swear every time I fell asleep, both seemed to creep back over me until I woke up and tossed them off again. Ugh.

In other news, I am really excited to share with you the results of more than 2 years of tinkering and countless failed experiments: The Best Tasting Gluten Free Bread Ever.

Seriously, this bread is so good I have trouble containing myself and not eating slice after slice spread with butter and jam until it is gone. It’s made primarily with buckwheat flour, which we use a lot around here as a substitute for regular flour. It has a slightly sweet, nutty taste and works well in pancakes, cookies and bread. It also has an odd color, but this bread seems to buck that trend, unlike my pancakes and cookies.

I have to admit that this is the first gf bread I have tried that does not make me sigh, shrug and say, “Well, it’s OK.” In fact, it’s the first that I’ve eaten where I honestly think I would eat this, happily, even if I didn’t have to. I highly, highly recommend giving it a try.

The Best Tasting Gluten Free Bread Ever

Print recipe

• Print with main photo
• Print text only

Prep time:	None
Cook time:	None
Total time:	None
Dietary:	Gluten Free
Region:	Worldwide

Gluten free bread made with buckwheat flour

Ingredients

• 1-1/3 cup buckwheat flour
• 1/2 cup brown rice flour
• 3/4 cups tapioca flour
• 2-1/4 teaspoons xantham gum
• 1-1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 cup water
• 1 packet gluten free yeast
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1Ol egg
• 4 tablespoons olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon cider vinegar

Directions

Step 1

Add all the wet ingredients to the bread machine.

Step 2

Pour the dry ingredients over the wet, starting with the flour. Try to spread the flours over the wet ingredients evenly. Add the yeast last.

Step 3

Set your bread maker to "dark" or "whole grain".

Step 4

After the final rising, wet your hand and pull out the dough hook.

Step 5

Enjoy!

This recipe is linked up with Gluten Free Wednesdays

I am so far behind in posting all of my projects to my blog. I went on a crafting blitz several weeks ago, turned out multiple awesome new things… and then failed to document any of them.

I kept meaning to, but time just kept getting away from me. Finally, The Viking walks up to me the other day and says, “I really like that wreath on our door. Are you going to put it on Pin-Interest, or whatever it’s called?” I explained my intent to blog about it, he commented on how it has been hanging there for a month, and here we are.

This was the fastest, simplest, least expensive wreath I have made to date. Considering that I’ve already made a dollar store wreath, that is saying something.

I picked up the wreath form on clearance at the dollar store, then grabbed up 2 for a dollar fat quarters at the craft store. I finished it all off with some buttons from my collection, and there you have it: a $2.50 wreath that just screams spring.

I used the no-sew fabric flower technique to make the flowers, using one of my soup bowls as the circle template. I really loved those flowers when I first saw them, and when I considered how many flowers I needed to make to fill this wreath, well, I was pretty much sold on the idea.

I had to modify the technique slightly because of thin fabric I was using. This involved sort of tugging the corners of the fabric up and out of the way before gluing, but I couldn’t be happier with how they turned out.

The wreath hangs on the door between our sunroom and our living room, which we pass through to get in and out of the house. Because it’s still kind of cold outside in New Hampshire, I like to think that it’s welcoming us to warmth and spring as we step inside.

This post is linked up with Inspire Me Mondays, Today’s Creative Blog, DIY Under $5, Yesterday on Tuesday and Feature Yourself Friday

How do you teach your incredibly sensitive, people fearing, super shy, Mama loving toddler about bullies? Particularly when he seems to be a magnet for them, or just brings out the bullying behavior in others simply by being who he is? This is something that has been weighing on me of late.

Thanks to The Bully Project for sponsoring my writing. Visit their website to join the movement and learn more.

Some of you may remember what happened last year with Richard the Bully at gymnastics. That kid seriously had it in for my child, and at the time I chalked it up to indulgent parenting; his parents didn’t want to scold or correct the kid. We dealt with it by changing GBear’s class to a day and time that the other little boy would not be attending. On the one hand, this felt a little like running away, but on the other hand, I just wanted my kid to enjoy his activity once a week without being targeted.

Richard in the background - because he was loose, Gunne wouldn't leave my lap

Unfortunately, Richard was only the first in a long line of kids that seem to target mine. I have my theories on why this is:

Gunne Bear is very quiet and shy in new surroundings. Until he warms up, he’s going to either cling to my leg or he’s going to sit quietly in one spot. This seems to make other kids impatient, especially if he happens to be sitting right where they want to go. Instead of asking him to move, or even saying, “Excuse me” they get physical. And I don’t just mean other toddlers, I’ve seen 10 year olds shove my 2 year old out of the way on a piece of playground equipment while calling him names. This, in turn makes him even more fearful and the whole thing escalates until the kids are taunting him. Seriously.

GBear is also frequently off in his own little world. He’s a daydreamer. And sometimes, I admit, he doesn’t quite pay attention to where he’s going/what’s going on. Again, this seems to make him a target of the other kids when he sometimes gets in the way.

All of this leads to, I either need to keep him by my side until he warms up, which has its own problems, or I need to follow him up there to shut the kids up. He’s 2! He has no idea how to handle these situations. Simply keeping him home forever is not an option.

What’s worse is that I think he gets the wrong idea of how to behave from all this. He sees other kids lash out when they get annoyed, they’re older and so… It’s not something I want him seeing.

So how do I deal with this? My kid is perpetually the victim at not even 3 years old. What the hell will happen when he gets older? Will he outgrow it? Continue to be the victim? Turn into a bully himself, because he sees a lot of this behavior and may think it’s normal? It makes my heart hurt to think that this may be an ongoing concern.

I realize this is a bigger issue than only kid; they made a freaking movie about bullying for crying out loud:

I just wish I knew how to deal with my particular kid on it, before it goes on anymore.

I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. Find showings in your area for The Bully Project and buy tickets here.

With Easter almost here, my crafting has taken a turn toward spring. Spring wreath, spring banner (both are coming in posts soon) and a stuffed Easter bunny for Gunne Bear.

If you follow me on Pinterest, you may have seen this already:

I thought it was adorable, and wanted to make a rabbit in this style for Gunne.

Being me, of course, I had to use materials that I already had on hand – a fat quarter of some spring fabric and some white felt. I also refuse to copy things; once I get inspiration, I run in my own direction. The end result was this:

He took me days to complete from start to finish, mostly because I A) couldn’t stop embroidering things on him and B) because once I started to stitch him together, I did it wrong and had to rip everything out and start again.

Gunne caught me making him, and declared that I needed to name him “Cookie” and that he wanted the rabbit to say, “Cookie” somewhere on him.

So I embroidered it onto his butt.

It was all totally worth it, though, when Gunne Bear got his hands on it last night.

“Oh, I YOVE HIM”, was a pretty constant refrain around here last night.

He kissed him about a million times and has declared Cookie to be his new best friend. So hooray for stuffed bunnies, even when they take what feels like several years to complete.

This post is linked up with Yesterday on Tuesday and Tatertots and Jello

My kid has turned into something of a cookie fiend of late. Every morning, he checks the contents of our cookie jar, counting how many cookies, determining what type we have in there or just lamenting the fact that it’s empty and, “Mama! We need make cookies ‘day!”.

Because I’m not wild about him eating too much processed stuff, I like to make his cookies so I can control what goes into them. These oatmeal cookies are not the healthiest things on the block, but they aren’t the worst either. Best of all, they taste AMAZING with a chewy/crispy texture that makes you keep going back for more.

The last time I made these, I added chocolate chips because they were for a special occasion, my son is a chocolate fiend and I have yet to perfect a really good chocolate chip cookie recipe. They are equally delicious with or without the chocolate chips.

GF Oatmeal cookies

Print recipe

• Print with main photo
• Print text only

Serves:	36
Prep time:	None
Cook time:	20 minutes
Total time:	20 minutes
Dietary:	Gluten Free
Region:	Worldwide

Gluten free oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips.

Ingredients

• 1-3/4 cup rolled oats (we use bob's red mill gf oats)
• 1 cup buckwheat flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup butter (salted works best)
• 2 tablespoons light corn syrup
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 tablespoons boiling water
• 1-3/4 cup rolled oats (we use bob's red mill gf oats)

Directions

Step 1

Combine the oats, sugar and buckwheat in a large bowl

Step 2

In a medium saucepan, melt the butter and syrup

Step 3

Dissolve the baking soda in the boiling water and add to the butter mixture

Step 4

Stir the butter mixture into the oat mixture and combine well

Step 5

Stir in some chocolate chips (optional)

Step 6

Use a melon baller to scoop up and drop the cookie dough onto parchment paper

Step 7

Bake for 10 to 15 minutes at 300 degrees until the cookies flatten

Step 8

Let cool completely before transferring

This post is a part of #iPPP and Gluten Free Wednesdays